Why Don’t The Bi People Just Come Out Already? An Open Letter To Dan Savage. | Consider the Tea Cosy

December 20, 2013

Why Don’t The Bi People Just Come Out Already? An Open Letter To Dan Savage. | Consider the Tea Cosy.

I’m pansexual, and I don’t talk about this a lot in many of the queer spaces I’m in. The weird thing is I was totally comfortable talking about it around my straight as arrows, casually racist and homophobic old guard friends. Why? They just accepted me as another guy that sleeps with guys, even if I also slept with women. Yeah, I’d get made fun of on occasion but everyone did for any perceived slight – it was part of the macho bonding experience we were all supposed to expect.

When I found a group of gay and lesbian gamers, though, and I came out to them? I got open hostility. Hatred. I was told over and over again that I was exploiting them, that I was lying, that I would “come around eventually” to realizing I’m actually gay. I was pressed into a mold I didn’t fit, still don’t fit, and I was attacked for thinking I could be different. It’s still not something I like to talk about in the gay community because I have, on the whole, felt safer in casually homophobic communities of poverty than I have anywhere in the gay and lesbian continuum of communities, and only because I refuse to be attracted to just one concept of gender or presentation.

Read this and know where people like me are coming from.

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3 Responses to “Why Don’t The Bi People Just Come Out Already? An Open Letter To Dan Savage. | Consider the Tea Cosy”

  1. kdaddy23 Says:

    I’m a bi guy and I’ve gotten more flak about this from gay men than I have from anyone who’s straight. I’m in denial about being gay, I’m confused, have been corrupted by those nasty women who are always plotting to take all of the good men away from the men who truly deserves them – the list goes on.

    At first, I was stunned to be exposed to this prejudice coming from a direction I didn’t ever expect and I used to find it bothersome until I decided that those gays who didn’t like my bisexuality could keep on not liking it; I’m not the way I am to make them happy, ya know?

    I’ve even told them, “Aw, you’re just pissy because I can do something you’re not man enough to do, that’s all…” – yeah, I’m not above pushing their buttons and, after a while, they stopped messing with me about it – I guess they wrote me off as a lost cause and unsalvageable – and that’s fine with me because of all the things in the world I could be, being gay isn’t one of them.

    • Luarien Says:

      Yeah, the worst part is when they act like you’re some kind of traitor for also being attracted to women. Because if you could be attracted to men, they’re both entitled to your attraction and the arbiter, inherently, of what you’re allowed to be attracted to in general.

      • kdaddy23 Says:

        Yeah, traitor was a word I heard a lot, like I was betraying some sacred trust or something… just an amazingly confusing way for some gay men to behave, ain’t it?


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